Books

Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years

Love’s a Disaster

The Unofficial Guidebook to Surviving Life with Toddlers (Chapter: Muffin Wars)

Washington Post

• With Glitter and Buttons, a Stay-at-Home Dad Finds His Inner Martha Stewart

• Keep Going, and Other Lessons I Learned While Chasing One Last Rocket Launch with My Dad

Parents

• A Small Change to My Morning Routine Brought Up Big Emotions

• The Identity Crisis of the Stay-at-Home Parent When the Kids Go to School

McSweeney's Internet Tendency

• List: Ted Cruz Presidential Campaign Promise or Fourth Grade Student Council Campaign Promise?

• Rules for My Kids That I Enforce With the Relentlessness of a Starving Wolverine

• Dad of Newborn Girl Explains the Importance of Women's Issues to a Table of Women at a Coffee Shop

• I'm a Stay-at-Home Dad in a Television Show or Movie

• I Took a 24-Hour Social Media Break and Now I'm a Better Parent and Ruler of the Earth and All Creatures That Inhabit It

• FAQ: School Book Fair

• Motivational Quotes Revised for People With Reasonable Expectations (with Jared Bilski)

• I’m the Valentine’s Card Your Three-Year-Old Made

• Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic” Revised for Exasperated Parents

Human Parts

• What Florida Taught Me About Parenting

• Classic ‘Daddisms,’ Revised by a Super Woke Dad

• How My 5-Year-Old Convinced Me That Ghosts are Real

• Why Kids are So Good at Reminding Us of Our Mortality

• When Your Child Has a Chronic Illness, It Changes Everything

• Sometimes a Walk in the Woods Is All You Need

• For Better or Worse Another Summer Slips and Slides Away

• Congratulations to All the Participants but I Have Once Again Won the Colonoscopy Contest

Scary Mommy

• How Does Your Parenting Stack Up? A Definitive Quiz

Frazzled

• Dad Shocked to Learn School Summer Vacation Lasts 75 Days

• How to Answer Important Questions When You Have More Than One Child

• I’m an Empty Nester and the Thing I Miss the Most About Having Children in the House is the Vomit

• Father’s Day Gifts for the Dad Who Is an Empty, Withered Husk Because You, His Children, Have Sucked the Life Out of Him

• Study Finds Plate Color Does Affect Taste of Food

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Starring 5-Year-Old and Dad

• To-Do List for Parents on the Fourth of July

• Ke$ha Lyrics Revised for Parents

• Study: Parents of Toddlers Spend 35 Hours Per Week Sitting in Parked Cars Waiting for Their Children to Get in Their Damn Seat

• Local Dad in Stable Condition After Morphing Into a Human Roller Coaster for About 25 Minutes

• Report: Local Dad “Strongly Considering” Becoming YouTube Personality

• Green Day’s “Dookie” Revised for Parents

• Two Dads Converse in the Parking Lot While Dropping Their Preschoolers Off for Puppet Day

• Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent Reflections on the Meaninglessness of Human Existence

• How to Master School Car Line Drop-Off and Establish Dominance Over Your Fellow Parents

• Local Dad Decided to Find Out How Long His Child Would Open and Close the Door and He’s Still There

• Kindergarten Word Problems That Definitely Aren’t About Death

• Ways to Greet Trick-or-Treaters to Make Things Even More Awkward

• Hustles for Parents That are More Important Than Side

• At This Elementary School Skate Night, the First Rule Is No Pretending You’re Brian Boitano!

• Totally Convincing Explanations for Why the Elf on the Shelf Didn’t Move Last Night

• Local Dad Who Shouted “You’re OK!”…

• Dad Shocked to Learn that School Summer Vacation Is Now Endless

• Updated Screen Time Guidelines for the Pandemic (with Jared Bilski and Shannon Carpenter)

• To Prepare My Child for the Upcoming School Year I Am Making Sure He Gets At Least Eight Hours of Screen Time Per Day

• Transcript of Every First Grade Distance Learning Math Class

• Local 7-Year-Old Threatens to Elevate Bicycle Race Protest to the Highest Level

• A Pandemic Update From Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

• Wow! This Dad Took a Shower in the Middle of the Day and Now He’s a Self-Care King!

• Local Dad Can’t Wait to Obsess About the Pandemic and Climate Catastrophe While Packing Lunches This School Year

• Interview with Shannon Carpenter

Tulsa Kids

• Yelp Reviews of My 4-Year-Old’s Restaurant

Parent Map (Seattle)

• How to Escape Your Children’s Bedroom Without Waking Them

2 Ho Ho Ho’s

• Yes, These Are Reindeer Antlers on My Car…

Weekly Humorist

• White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night

• Nihilistic Airport Announcements

• Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

• The White House's Nine-Point Plan to Make America's Schools Safe Again

• Profiles of Men Who Have Earned the Title of "Super Dad"

• It's Not the Holocaust Tho

• Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

• Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media

• Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections

• As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

• Haunted Houses for Dads

• WebMD.gov Entry for Trump Derangement Syndrome in the Year 2030

• Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

• Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding (with Gary M. Almeter)

• Welcome to Our Historic Castle and No You May Not Skinny Dip in the Moat

• I Just Found Out All My “World’s Best Dad” Gifts are Mass-Produced and Now Father’s Day is Ruined

• Wimbledon Bingo! (with Gary M. Almeter)

• Summer Camps for the Modern Child (with Shannon Carpenter)

• Pandemic Advice From the Mars Rovers (with Shannon Carpenter and Jared Bilski)

• Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition (with Lindsay Hameroff)

• Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions (with Shannon Carpenter and Jared Bilski)

Life of Dad

• A Night of Family Fun at Universal Studios

City Dads Group

• The Vanishing Illusion of Safety in Wake of Yet Another School Shooting

• Loitering, or the Awkward Art of Spending Quality Time With Your Kids

• Parenting Sick Kids: The Art of Juggling (Vomit) Bowls Atop a Unicycle

• 5 Reasons Dads Should Take Their Kids on a Solo Road Trip

• Competition Can Be a Dangerous Game in the Digital Age

• Preserving Childhood Innocence by Burying the Unfortunate

• Why I’m OK with My Children’s Ridiculous Bedtime Routine

• Why I Love Secretly Observing My Children Play Tennis

• Remembering Dad Who Taught Life Lessons Even in Quietest Moments

• Navigating Joy, Worry When Your Spouse is a Healthcare Worker

• Best Parenting Moments Can Still Define Us, Even at Our Worst

• Is There an Old Normal to Go Back to After this New One?

His View From Home

• Dads, This is Why You Need To Volunteer At Your Kids’ School Too

• The World May Be Paused, But My Son Keeps Growing Up

• My Kids Taught Me the Best Things in Life Aren’t Planned

• You Never Know When the Pretend Hair Salon Will Close for Good

Robot Butt

• HGTV Announces New Trump-Themed Programming Lineup

• 9 Ways to Fill the Time You Used to Spend Refreshing FiveThirtyEight During the Election

• The Cover Letter of a Fox Applying for the Job of Hen House Guard

• I Fully Support This Active Volcano in My Neighborhood Because I Think We Need Change

• I Am Having Doubts About The Active Volcano in My Neighborhood, But I Remain Hopeful

• Scientists Reveal That Lebron James Will Be First Human to Conquer Death

• Local Klansman Angry That White Crayon Is Just Sitting in the Box Unused

• The Motion-Activated Faucet in Your Office Bathroom Is Just F*cking With You Now

• Summer Is Here Which Means You No Longer Have to Hide Your Affair With Iced Coffee

• More Appropriate Online Campaigns for the First Lady (with Shannon Carpenter)

• I’m a Bell Ringer Outside Your Grocery Store and I’m Not Here for Your Pathetic Excuses

• Republicans Defend That Thing Trump Said

• I Make the YouTube Videos Your Toddler Watches and Please Help Because My Toys Have Taken Me Prisoner

• An NBA Draft Analyst on an Acid Trip (with Jared Bilski)

Slackjaw

• Things My Therapist Says to Me That I’ve Also Said to My Kids While Teaching Them to Ride Their Bikes

• 6 Things That Happened to Me When I Left My Phone at Home for a Day

• Inspirational Mantras Revised for Parents

• To Prevent a Repeat of Last Year’s Fiasco, Please Review These School Car Line FAQs

• How to Escape Your Children’s Bedroom Without Waking Them

• Is My Life’s Calling to Eventually Become One With the Elementary School Distance Learning Portal?

• I Have Forgotten All About You Janice, But FYI, My Hibiscus Plant Just Won a Blue Ribbon at the Garden Club’s First Annual Hibiscus Contest (with Gary M. Almeter)

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

• My Home is an Exact Replica of The Shrieking Shack from Harry Potter and If One More Kid Dares Try to Trick-or-Treat, I’m Going to Lose It!

Fatherly

• What I Discovered About Parenting in the '80s

• How I Overcame My "Super Dad" Complex

Little Old Lady Comedy

• Twenty One Pilots Lyric or Thought I Have While at the Playground With My Kids?

Points in Case

• I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo (with Gary M. Almeter)

• My Truck Hauls Ass (with Gary M. Almeter)

• Open Letter to the Other Dad at the PTA Meeting with a World's Best Dad Coffee Mug (with Gary M. Almeter)

• Dead Rock Star Bingo (with Gary M. Almeter)

The Good Men Project

• Dirt is My Parenting Kryptonite

• Puppets to the Rescue

2 Ho Ho Hos

• Yes, These Are Reindeer Antlers on My Car…

Mock Mom

• New Names for Your Kids' Favorite Foods That Will Ease Your Raging Guilt

• 6 Parenting New Year's Resolutions You're Sure to Break by 9:30 A.M. on January 1st

• Golden Globes 'In Memoriam' Tribute Rumored to Be 30-Minutes Long

• Top 7 Toys That'll Make Your Infant Happy or Whatever in 2017

• 5-Year-Old Thinks Poop Joke is Hilarious

• Father "Kind of Bummed" He Didn't Receive Praise From Strangers While Shopping With His Children

• Mom Makes 'That's What She Said' Joke to Child, Instantly Regrets All Her Life Choices

• Mom Overheard Counting to Four in Her Sleep

• 5 Vehicles Other Than a Mack Truck That Trump Can Use to Drive America Into the Ground

• Everyone's Talking About The Trump-Russia Scandal, But What About All These Other Russian Things That Exist?

• Dad Acts Surprised, Slowly Realizes It's Going to Be a Thing

• Small Child Put in Charge of Small Arsenal of Nuclear Warheads

• I'm and Empty Nester and What I Miss the Most About Having Kids in the House is the Vomit

• I'm a Stay-at-Home Dad in Any TV Show or Movie

• Dad of Newborn Girl Explains the Importance of Women's Issues to Group of Women

• Racist Conspiracy Theories and Other Side Effects of Ambien (contributor to group post)

Better Humans (on Medium)

• Parenting With Social Anxiety

How Pants Work (on Medium)

• How to Resist Trump If You Are Socially Anxious and Depressed

The Haven (on Medium)

• My Middle School Was Named After Andrew Jackson

• May the Twelfth Be With You

• Amazing! You Can Make a Camera From Everyday Household Items That Takes Real Pictures in Just 7 Easy Steps!

• A Turtle Doesn't Run Through It

• The Rock

• Row, Row, Row Your Boat

• I Think My 3-Year-Old Might Be Living in an Alternate Timeline

Invisible Illness (on Medium)

• When You Don’t Feel Like You Deserve to Be Depressed

• Scene From the Life of a Socially Anxious Parent

P.S. I Love You (on Medium)

• Learning to Embrace the Little Moments

The Writing Cooperative (on Medium)

• How Writing Makes Me a Better Parent

• Embracing My True Motivation for Writing Has Set Me Free

Scribe (on Medium)

• Like Father, Like Son

• My Every

Paste Magazine

• The Immediate Danger of Trump

Flash Fiction Magazine

• Sorry, I'm Shy

The Dad Website

• The End of the Day

The Higgs Weldon

• Reflections on Life and Performance Art on the First Anniversary of My Birth

• Questions to Ask If You Suspect You Might Be Living in an HGTV Show

• Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent Reflections on the Meaninglessness of Human Existence

Queen Mob's Teahouse

• Form Letter for American Gun Advocacy Groups Responding to High-Profile Incidents of Gun Violence

Defenestration Magazine

• I Found My Fit

Huff Post

• Running on Fumes

• A Letter to My Future Self

• The All-Time Most Unoriginal Thought About Parenting

• Parenting 101: Learning to Let Go

• 11 Reasons Why Will and Kate Should Be Our New Couple BFFs

• 5 Parenting Lessons From My All-Star Mom

• How to Get Your Difficult Sleeper to Sleep in 19 Easy Steps

• These Green Day Song Titles Perfectly Describe Parenting

• The Only Potty Training Method You Will Ever Need

• How to Make the Perfect Pirate Jack-O'-Lantern

• A Day in the Life of a Socially Anxious Parent

• I Took My Two-Year-Old for a Walk and Ended Up Corresponding With Almost All of the Presidential Candidates

• Fun Things to Do With Your Newborn

• I Always Wondered...

• Top 7 Toys for Infants in 2017

• How to Travel With Young Children

• 7 Ways That Dad Whose Kids Barged in on His BBC Interview Could Improve His TV Performance

• A Turtle Doesn't Run Through It

• We're Running Out of Time

• Sending My Oldest to Kindergarten Has Me Reminiscing About My Rap Career

• I Think My 3-Year-Old Might Be Living in an Alternate Timeline

• Will It Be Beautiful There?

• When the Little Moments Outshine the Big Ones

• Thoughts on Riding Out Hurricane Irma in Central Florida With Three Kids

• How a Popular Parenting Mantra Can Mess With Your Head

• Parenthood and Childhood in the 80s and Today

• The First Rule of Lego Club

• Surviving Parenthood When You're Really in the Thick of It

• 6 Rewards Schools Could Use to Motivate Introverted Kids

All 4 Women

• How to Get Your Difficult Sleeper to Sleep in 19 Easy Steps

Cafe

• 4 Things Besides Trumpcare's Terrible CBO Score That Exceeded Paul Ryan's Expectations

Her View From Home

• Will It Be Beautiful There?

• When the Little Moments Outshine the Big Ones