Personal Fireworks Ranked

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Source: Unsplash.com, Stephanie McCabe

Types of personal fireworks you buy from those tents outside Wal-Mart or the back of someone's van or whatever ranked from best to worst...

  1. Ones that get left in a torrential downpour and are too wet to light. Because these don't work at all and are at your house, I don't even know they exist. Best case scenario.
  2. Ones that are defective and only light a little bit before fizzling out. Clearly my second favorites. There are few things I love more than the sound of fireworks fizzling out in my neighbor's yard before they even get started.
  3. Ones that are lit before 9 p.m. I know, I know, it doesn't get dark till 9, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. My kids go to bed by 9 and that's literally the only thing I care about. If your firework usage was limited to July 4th, that would be OK, kind of, but when it's the entire month of July...that's another story.
  4. Ones that are lit after 8 a.m. See above. Again, my kids' sleep schedule is the only thing I care about. Ever.
  5. Ones that are of reasonable size and produce levels of noise that are appropriate for neighborhood usage. For example, sparklers. I can really get behind a good sparkler. Give me one of those and a cool bottle of water and I will just go to town. America baby!
  6. Ones that don't rattle the windows of my house when detonated. Clearly, as this list indicates, I'm all for having a good time, but when your fun bombs start shaking my bay window and my Chihuahuas I'm all like, dude, chill.
  7. Ones that don't make that really loud WEEEEEEEE-OOOOHHHHHH sound when launched. I mean, while I do enjoy a good firework that sounds like an air raid siren...actually no, I really don't enjoy that at all. Particularly when launched after my kids are in bed. See above for relevant times.
  8. Ones that my neighbor has right now that don't fit any of the above criteria are dead to me.

Yes, if you were wondering, I am old. Happy Fourth of July everyone! I hope you all have a blast! That's a lie. I hope you all don't wake up my kids!