My 7-Year-Old’s OSHA Complaint
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My daughter is only seven, but she’s already worked the worst job in the world.
You probably know that early elementary school students often have classroom jobs like Line Leader, Door Holder, and Chalkboard Eraser Clapper. I remember the last one being the crown jewel of the classroom job chart, and sadly, I’m sure it doesn’t exist anymore since chalkboards are mostly extinct. Many kids of my generation dreamed they could one day turn chalkboard eraser clapping into a lucrative and fulfilling career, but like many of our earliest dreams, that one has died a slow and painful death. It is a great loss for all of humanity.
What you may not know about classroom jobs is that in my daughter’s second-grade class, there is a job called Student Designated to Get Sick Next Because They Are Responsible for Walking the Actively Sick Students to the Clinic. This might not be the official job title (imagine trying to write that title out on a chalkboard… oh, the erasers that would need to be clapped after erasing all that!). Still, from what I’ve gathered, it is a fairly accurate description of the job’s duties.
My daughter was tasked with being the Clinic Escort (sure, let’s go with that… much cleaner and less likely to raise red flags in the OSHA office) a few weeks ago, very near the beginning of the school year. I didn’t know she had been awarded this illustrious position at the time — we would’ve thrown her a party or something, maybe even bought her a gold-plated watch to thank her for her service.
Anyone want to guess how I found out about her job? Go ahead. Try to guess. If you don’t get it in one try, you should never try to be a contestant on any type of gameshow. Save yourself the trouble and all of us the secondhand embarrassment.
Yes, the answer to the most straightforward question the world has ever known is that I found out about the Clinic Escort job when my daughter woke up one morning with a hearty cough and a burgeoning fever. As I was commiserating with her about her illness, she said between coughs, “I probably got it from one of the kids I walked to the clinic.”
After I blinked a few times to stop my eye from twitching, I asked a few follow-up questions to pin down the particulars. I learned about the existence of the job, and I also learned that my daughter had escorted “three or four” kids to the clinic during her term of service. As it turns out, my daughter was lucky enough to be on Clinic Escort duty during one of the busiest weeks of the school year. Check that. I probably shouldn’t make assumptions. For all I know, it might’ve been one of the slower weeks of the school year.
Either way, she ended up sick at home for several days. She missed a birthday party (really hate being sick on the weekend… such a waste of a good sickness) and didn’t have the energy to clap a single eraser.
Of course, it’s very likely she got sick from six hours per day of close exposure to sick kids in the classroom, but where’s the fun in thinking rationally like that? It’s so much better to picture her getting struck down in the line of duty. Much more heroic, as well. It also gives me something very specific to complain and/or joke about.
The good news is that my daughter has now recovered and almost certainly won’t get sick anymore this school year. Wait. Please hold; I’m receiving some breaking news.
Hmm…
My daughter has just provided the following report: “Two kids in my class threw up today.”
Oh well, looks like she’ll be adding a second page to her OSHA complaint. Hopefully, they accept forms filled out in crayon or rainbow pen.